Asbestos. Do you feel like coughing just thinking about it? Most of us shudder to hear the word - it’s a substance that has caused hundreds and thousands of horrible, painful deaths. And yet it’s one of the most goddamn amazing things on the planet.

We’ve all heard about the horrors of asbestos. But what about the miraculous side of it? Think about it - it’s a rock that you can make clothes out of, and banknotes for that matter. It’s wild. A weaveable, fire-resistant, rot-resistant rock. There’s literally nothing else like it on the planet. With all our advances in science and modern manufacturing techniques, we still haven’t been able to come up with something to match it.

The use of asbestos skyrocketed in the industrial era, but there are actually signs of this magical rock being used all the way back in 4000 BC. Some people even found asbestos fibres in stone age debris, dating back some 750,000 years ago (but that could be just coincidental - there were a lot of rocks being used back then amirite).

For ancient peoples, asbestos was so magical that it seemed to belong more to the realm of fairy tales than to real life. Some believed that it was derived from the wool of the mythical fire-resistant salamander or the feathers of the phoenix. Others confidently claimed that it was spun from the long, silky fur of rats that lived inside volcanoes. Okay, the stories are a bit far-fetched, but they were onto something. Asbestos is freaking magical.

In the Middle Ages, asbestos was considered the party trick of kings. Not only did it protect against medieval spells, but it helped with magic tricks too. King Charlemagne apparently had an asbestos tablecloth, and when his guests had finished eating, he would rip the tablecloth off and throw it in the fire. In the blaze, the cloth would turn fiery red, but not burn. He’d take it out and say (in medieval French), “Look, clean!” Now that’s a party trick. And apparently, it was so impressive that it even stopped a war from happening. Nobody messes with King Charlemagne and his magic tablecloth.

Now we all know the boring modern uses of asbestos such as building materials, roofing, fireplaces etc. Boring. We want to know the more creative uses for this magical rock. Well, how does asbestos toothpaste sound to you? Or an asbestos cigarette for that extra lung-scarring flavour. And if you’re working with asbestos and are worried about inhaling the fibres, not to worry - just pop on a face mask… made out of asbestos.

To really get the Christmas season going, perhaps these holidays, you could decorate your tree with fluffy asbestos artificial snow! (Don’t do this.) So much fun for the kids (for now).

PREVIOUS EPISODES MENTIONED:

Iroquois Theater Blaze: The Tragic Fire That Ignited The Evolution Of Exit Lights

SOURCES:

ASBESTOS IN THE ROMAN EMPIRE, UNRV.com
Charlemagne's Asbestos Tablecloth Mystery AsbestosClaims.Law
History of Asbestos on asbestos.com
How to be a Movie Star: Elizabeth Taylor in Hollywood 1941-1981 by William J Mann
The Legend of Oscar-Winning Producer-Showman Mike Todd by Michael Callahan
When Asbestos Was a Gift Fit for a King

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